i

this is me

tis all about me

a bout of narcissistic misadventure

to whet a solitary soul

ridden with an illogical guilt

secure in the understanding

it isn't me

except for being attacked

for gilt of none

so a zero sum game

where associates and the associated 

will lose themselves 

to an imbalance 

cause?

is in how it is stated

reason driven into void

a vengeful rational 

this cause of harm

and caught

me

wanting what is responsible 

my wealth is in my nature

i faced the great adventure

me

going when you did not

and then once you tasted

and enjoyed it's sweet nectar

yet selfishly have not learned

organic growth requires nurture

an earned place to be able to say

it was all me

i stood alone and earned this

for me

and pride then peace it's yours

keep an eye on i

not on me

the breach

he watched carefully

returned frequently

his lop wheeled bicycle squeaking its

and his

presence

a jump and clear

across the gap

while the agent was occupied elsewhere

she watched hopefully

the soft flakes falling

covering her car in a warm blanket

the ice formed

the streets filled

praying the clear

will leave her free

from clearers finding fining furiously

I held closely

responsibility and reasonability

to find none where fair is concerned

and that grab

for unearned living

taking a step of unwarranted illegality

to bury balance deeply

in loopy holes unjust

bravado hides

the painful emotion

your words insight incites

that bare fear

unfounded guilt shared

senesce senseless

common ground with your others

free with in the stacks

that space we need to cross

an unintended gap in time

we cannot live to standards

beyond our control

yet you mandate them to civility

society mean hearted

so our holes grow deeper and wider

yet we will to be alive

we are messengers among you

made by the whole

a reminder to the few

staying heads high hearts low

just.

so we can

be a part apart 

across the breach

Mind the Gap

Who exactly makes the choice?

Is it me, a spirit free?

Or perhaps the choice is made for me.

It is all such a swirl yes?

These bombarding feelings

Bubbling up dread then relief

And finally interconnected joy

Provided things go our way

Is it a reaction to my decisions?

Or are we part of a wider play

A stage not of our choosing

Destined for negative when we forget our role

Or god forbid, choose an unpopular way

And then ovation when we deliver

The critics heaping praise upon conforming

Not so different, my creativity might be stifled

And that fear is mostly up here though manifest there.

Mind the gap.

What does that mean?

Does my mind have a gap that place where choice is made?

Or made for me?

I can leap to safety

Or step into that unknown

See how I land.

onor

that scent has haunted me

slight spice over a pungent 

like the hanging odour of a freshly sharpened pencil. 

and once completed another

mingled amassed emotions end

exhausted our shared fragrance that of fresh made paper.

perhaps we should write stories together.

Afterglow

Do you smoke after...

... well, hmmm, you know. (red faced, but why)

I don't know. I've never checked.

That was the usual gag line response.

Young lads with knowledge gained

From Rat Pack movies, comedy gags,

And lavatory intellectualism usually followed by nervous giggles

An all knowing mass of hormonal nothing

Divided from the subjective objectives of our imaginations

By a mere wall.

Were these conversations taking place there too?

We imagined from black and white

The post conversations punctuated with the orange ashen glow

Spirits of tobacco sensually circling talks of future opportunity

With truths maybe still unknown 

Hidden buried deep within 

Still

A future now, and it is all changed

Cigarettes are dangerous

And smoking in bed well...

Do you smoke after?

I don't know, I've never checked.

The words remind me anew

From the new blue screens of our silent afterglow. 

Despair

Who are you?

Who exactly are you?

Or what?

Why do you grab my chin that way?

Crushing my cheeks into my teeth?

Do you feel that pain?

This woman who could not care?

Did not care?

For me?

As I hurtled to that train you held, me?

And then was it you who forced me to break?

That cold bleak prairie night inexplicably warm?

Was that you?

As I stood mezmerized at my falls?

The chilled frost was layering in that dark, it cracked?

And you talked with me again didn't you?

Did you see your father?

He will hold you, you know?

And will he understand? Forgive me?

Have I lost my way?

Attacked over and over by, by, by what I ask?

You've clutched me again?

But the water is cold isn't it?

It will be quick I think?

There is nothing quick here just ice reposed a question of moral outrageous railing against that so called perfect dream where I was but a two bit actor in that stage of your design salvaged from the edge by cared now by love of those who see my pain through your petty vengeance I shall live in spite of you that clutch to my throat impacting my chest rises above this unable to enable 

Taciturn v Shorn

There, it’s an obscurity

Making the presence known

A coldness down the spine

Manifest unease

Curled a dog in silent fear

Nose to tail a single

Quizzical eye to the unknown

How dare you threaten.

That foul stench of greed

Insatiable need to lord over

What?

One cannot own

Where there is no capacity to love

Affecting affectation, the pretentious show

Oh the tears

How has this dark energy been tuned

A statement of war

A confrontation that is due

To cause all impacted ruin

Much to a selfish satisfaction

And sick desire to static

A stench foul is spreading

Where went that pride

Distinct needless of none

It is slept long enough

And needs to participate

The remains of the great experiment

Have been freed

Will they be merged? Never

What will rise friend or its foe

And now I live every day afraid,
And tomorrow?

sfear

I have stood on this precise spot

time and again

everyday of this life

and stared off over the pool

where the firm was divided

my back to the certain infelicitous

regret but not regretting

forgetting but not to forget

my face to the certain blessed

a ghost

i have stood on this precise spot

time and again

everyday of this life

and stare off across the pool

where firm was divided

a face to where pain still tries

to fell me a haunting misadventure

i have not forgotten but will forget

and I turn to my blessing

this spirit

we all stand at this precise spot

ground to this sphere

a shared existence

of apparitions who inertia

renders beached to vengeance

incapable of motion.

pasts signal deaths wraith

verve cocoons purify threat abandoned

Take a hand and trust yourself.

choice temper 

My ExCess

I am obLiterate in this onslaught against the very fibre if this that linked us to the mutual success of my inevitable success upon which you have conjoined your excess estimates of the risk do not meet your short minded self centre their will fore a reckoning which will further erode me to your planned failure of my ruination for I know what schema attack you are forming fearful of your age embarrassed by the formula you had created but we're unwilling to invest in. Life requiems earned investment or fail lures us to a precipice demised in your own misguided disguise.  We can mire in the far flung mud of the cesspools we created or we can fertilise a firmament upon that long lost.  

In other words. 

A Tale of Two Gums

Excelerate yourself

Seemples, we can all change if we try

Of course we can

And yes I should feel what you do

But its me chew you see

Mine Aspergum suppresses all feeling

Hidden behind this lovely flavour

Cheery Cherry

Full Or range

Your choice

I do love your taste

Minty explosions emote through my head

A creative cretin born undeserving

While lamenting the languish

It stalls up here

Unshared understood unspoken, sadly

Perhaps we should stop ruminating

On or our ruinating

And trade packets

Or simply drop them

For the peace of a complex wine

This unknown vintage a reflection of age

To predict a self-assured onward

Sipped in love and friendship

Kindred spirits sharing difference

A devotion to simple affection

Uncontrolled forgiven

Controlled regretted for that unsaid

Honest reflections
Celebrate breath

Contemptplation

I fear the black corners
That which lurks in the dust
The product of our shed
Gone lifeless
And settled from this air
Our breathing a movement
Musical weaving of fate
There was no wrong done here
All of it reasonable
There was no love there
All of it sacrificial
And now to pay again
I've only blood left
Do I spill it
A last breath
Coaxing flotsam from the waste
Or do I shine light
And rise above
Once again
Because I am good
And so much the better
Than and without you

Daedal

It is all so complicated

There are things in

Beyond capacity

Beyond complexity

To be in comprehension

A tension of simplicities

Woven to intricacy

The links points

Of clarity and confusion.

Why do we bother to play in here at all?

The rules are fluidal

Whimsical points of view

Set by the artificer

Acquiesce only to capitulation

To secure concordance

From those who choose

To be misunderstood

Or misunderstand those

Who would understand

Those that are beyond

Giving of themselves further

For little reward

Till a creature of open heart

Enters the soul

And simply resides

In tender connection pulling

Constant heart in core

Encore and again

When it will make sense

We hope

Before it all unravels

Be it the ever intricate connecting

Knots of our entwined worth

Clenched to all hold on
For there are bumps ahead

Church of England

Talk to me Dad

Tell me of your life, the form

Tell me of the war, that wondrous playtime for young boys

Tell me of the terror, of bombs, direct and stealthy

Tell me of your moving

From the time your brother fetched the midwife

To the Mediterranean

To the Middle East

To England

Tell me till you stop

Your silence a period of sadness and melancholy

Play with me Dad

Show me how to throw a ball

A googily to confuse those opponents

Walk with me up tall mountains

And small villages and orchards and fields

Show me those ghosts

Show me these graveyards

Feed me Nelson Cakes and tea to ground me to the yards

And bring me to the admiral’s resting place

Our heritage of sea

Teach me Dad

Of history, of geography

Show me how to find my way

Points on maps with meaning

That the easy fast way is not the interesting way

Give me features to navigate this life

So I can find my way here

Again to you

Again to my children

Again to my home

We stand at Regent Day Dad

And I always look left

Even when you weren’t there

There you were a beacon, a hope

Just down that road or on those rails

And we believed if we had to

You would take us

Heal us, this was our faith

You’ve a way of speaking

A gentle giant of a man

Humour your shield

English to the core

We’ve adopted this you know

A quiet repose where silence holds definition

I borrow your voice in this head

And I use its familiar comfort

To relax people around proper friendly demeanor

To suppress anger

And to change this world for better

It was only a week Dad

And you had us all

You were so happy with your family

Finding back roads

Showing us Havre hills

Where none should logically be in that wide prairie

And we climbed the mountains and played in the snow

And we built memory

And it was only a week again Dad

A surprise wasn’t it

Your teen boy come to hold eulogy

With his father for a favoured mother

And you gave me connection to family

And our children connect even today

So we cannot be separated

Though separate we would be

Hold me Dad

I am faltered and alone

Disconnected and broken

Can you counsel a boy

Guide with your wisdom

Take away this pitted pain

Give me strength to carry forward

Against those opponents who would hold me committed

You said it was right, this change

I believe it is

Look at us Dad

Look at who we are

Fine men and women who made their way

Look at how we’ve learned

See your children’s children Dad

Wonders and joy, learning from us

And now their great children

Our rewards from God that we be allowed to carry on

It all started in England

This church of your people

And its is all so brilliant, all so unexpected

And all such a miracle

Look at what you’ve started

It is all so very good
We can take it from here

Irides

Let us trade the light of two spheres across two spheres our pleasures companions stare to each watch of tenuous steps toward a settlements conditional of honest knowing that we too be can be will be inseparable separable fools created in each a need to join our souls to distant firmament all wise knowing we are lovers again and for again and now

thoughts on vocation

so I’m sitting around doing not so much other than being this unemployed bum with something called financial obligations and few prospects while I do this mind numbing but so called life affirming homework that evidently will make me a better person that will now have employability skills that I can use to secure a high powered over paying under fulfilling career job when I get up and go to the loo and I glance into the mirror and I see an old portly bugger with a bulbous gut pushing the bottom edge of a sweat stained paint festooned well worn well torn t-shirt from in better shape yeah this is a good idea go run a marathon days over top of my relegated renovation shorts covered in house paint and glue and caulk and sweat and stuff and I think, hmm, you look like an artist.

think i will contemplate this from bed.