July 18, 2016

The Dud

To have bombed
And not connected
No failure of launch
The failsafe switches
An immediate
Safe turn to off
To code them on again
Requires two keys
Impassive peace reins then
A truce beholden
The blue aftermath
A first response
Classically conditioned
Learned and placated
The dud turns within
Sensitive the role
Perspicacity the valour side of better

May 22, 2016

Di

Di

Double take again, dis

Lessened of course to an insult

With added function

Eliding to discourse untended

If intended then disturbed

Is that multiplicity of incensed

thought -

you understood the collective figurative

triangulated n=1 though there is no won

equals more

as do other geometries

this simple slight

of(f) hand

adds to the dimensional focus

albeit latitudinal it may go in every direction

sort of(f) course

your approach a disciplined reproach

designed to cause me to die

right away 

if possible but there’s added disturbance

this truth 

the distance much greater

than geographical discoursed

the life force that moves me

is also the one that will pull

this ethereal body from the precipice black pull

of vengeful tactic of damning abnormality

to factual normality 

this joy

di-folddis fold?

nay 501 and then some

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 03, 2016

Jekyll my Hyde

well then
or not
evidently
how can I put into words
when the words cannot be there
how can I contain the hurt
when to release would expose me
my being my rules
these bind me together
tightly strung
emotionally aware
emotionally bereft
evidently
this mortal coil varies
unique among each of mortality
thwarting connection
by rendering low the being  
well then
no use crying further
to move forward is an imperative
unwrapped and unwound
the wounded left a flower placed
apology does not seem suited
though it is tried
a hollow render of this reflective self
and reasoned excuse an unrepentant loss
yet nevertheless
lost

April 16, 2016

Tired


Been at it so long
So hard. Too hard. 
All that energy. 
Expended
For what
There was effort
I've done my best
And I sure hoped it was enough. 
It wasn't of course
For everyone
They the relentless
Never content. 
Until the tired
Becomes unending sleep
I am tired  
Too tired
For now. 

March 24, 2016

The Liars

You pissed your bed again, god what a tool.
Why didn’t you win that race?
Really, you let your team down by dropping that ball.
A D, you are such a retard.
What do you mean he beat you up, why didn’t you fight back?
Couldn’t you hold it?  You’re on your own with that mess.
I don’t care if you don’t like it you will sit here all fucking night if need be till it is all eaten.
A C, well at least it’s better than a D.
What do you mean you don’t like Church; you will go to hell if you don’t go.
God doesn’t like bad little boys.
So you are sick, I get sick too.  Clean up your own puke.
This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.
It’s just a little blood, and clean my belt.
This is my house, this is my car, I just let you live here.  I’ll smoke if I bloody well want to and you will bloody well breathe it in.
So what if you’re naked.  If I want to come in while you are bloody well bathing I will.
I will touch you if I want, you’re just a kid and what I say you must do.
You are such a retard.
A B, if you had just studied harder you would have got an A.
You are such a weakling, you deserve to be pissed on.
I was such a beauty till you came along.
I make you crazy, you drive me crazy and it’s all your fault.
You are such a weird retard. 
I don’t care if you are hungry.
You don’t have a say here, you are grounded.
No, you cannot date.
Allowance?  Ha, consider yourself lucky I let you live.
Get me another drink.
Get me another drink.
Get me another drink.
Light my fag.
You’re a fucking faggot aren’t you?
I don’t care if you have to work, you need to do the grass.
What do you mean you lost your job.  You are such a retard.
An A, did you cheat?
Honour role? Why didn’t you tell me, I would have come to your graduation.
You are too serious about that girl.
You are too serious.
He touched you, why would you let him do that?  I hope you beat the fucking faggot to a pulp.
You didn’t, you are a faggot yourself then aren’t you.  Let me put this pipe there.  There. There.  There.
I am going to kill you.
I am going to kill you while you sleep.
How come you moved away?  You missed the party we made for you.
God look at you, you are getting fat.
Running is a pointless sport.
Remember that race that year you won the championship, the one where you came last and puked. 
You’re such a tool.
Three of them, that’s all?  I hope you drew blood.
Can’t afford to come? One word: credit card.
What do you mean you can’t get a credit card.  You are obviously irresponsible.
How come you are so skinny?
You are too young to get married.
I am too young to be a grandparent.
Why do you think you need to be at the birth?  I’m paying for this trip.  You don’t love me.
Well I’m sure she is sick because of something you did wrong dear.
Another?  Well don’t expect me to help.
Get a better job.  I don’t want to work anymore.
No, don’t touch me.
I don’t care.
We need more money.
You are never home anymore.
Another?
I don’t care you are in hospital.  It’s late, find your own way home.
Good bye?
You are a fucking cheat.
Another?
You are getting fat.
No, I am not going to see help with you.  You’re the problem not me.
Don’t I’m not interested.
You are such a worthless tool.  I don’t know why the kids even like you.
No
Not interested
It’s my medications.
I just don’t love you anymore.
Go sleep somewhere else.
What do you mean you lost your job.  You are so useless.  Don’t expect me home when you get here.
I need a new car.
Just find a job.
What do you mean less money? Well don’t expect me to make the shortfall.
No.
I don’t care if you lose your job, I am not moving.  Just go get another.
What do you mean less money?
You are too fat to do that.  So you finished, big whoop.
You’re leaving?  And just as I was thinking we might again.
Give me money.
Give me money.
I will when you give me money.
You’re fat.
So you lost your job.  I don’t care.  Give me money.
You know in three years it will be all over again.
Give me money.
Give me your money.
Give me all your money.
And give me all hers too. 
You are a useless tool and I am going to ruin you.

I could just die.  It would be so much easier.
I am so damned depressed.
I am a worthless soul.  I should die.

Not true.  I don’t want to die.
I want to live.
And I shall live.

The lies, the liars, the depressors, the depression.
You do die.

For the sake of truth.

March 16, 2016

Amen

“Hey!
Do you believe in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?
Or are you one of those non believers?
One of those heathens who do not go to church.”

Hmmm.
Me and THE church and all those other churches.
We just don’t get along so well.
They’ve said disparaging things about me.
And my children, things I know to be untrue.
Cause I’ve seen in their faces all that is good.

Churches are only as good as the men and women who run them.
They are not God places.
They are places people go to attempt to celebrate God.
Who or what ever God is.

Me, well I just know there is a higher power.
I cannot attach gender nor substance
I just have faith that I am being watched over.
And this higher power has me attached to others.
Has granted me the power to feel with, for, and about others.
Has shown me sunsets and risen me to sunrise.
Has spread before me the beauty of our planet.
And has shown me the horrible things we do to it.
I’ve been exposed to bullying, harassment, and to pain.
And given care to nurse my wounds.
I’ve been given life and been protected.
Challenge has been placed before me and when I failed
Have felt the presence of sympathy and understanding
So long as I fail on my terms, trying my best.

And when I don’t try, then I have deserved my due. 
I can accept that.

I am a believer. 
I have faith and have experienced first hand the power from my faith.

I just can’t put a name or a gender or stories to my faith.
Nor attend an edifice to my faith.
But I’ll tell you, its pretty darn incredible.

March 15, 2016

Portent of Trust

So it seems thought I
There can and should be trust
Instead harbinger cast an ugly shadow
enabling others of like mind to do its bidding.

In terror I took to ground
Cowered under the sabre rattling
This massive and growing pit gnawing at me
Apart from self the monster consumed my good.

The force of compassion
It is lost to you now and forever
And we have rallied the right to crusade
Taking to the ramparts we nibble at the foundations.

There is nothing to lose now
Except my ability to remain, to be alive
This contributing member of humanity
For loss renders an empty voiceless soul lost for time.

Helpless to proceed I shall purposely fail
For I needed to lead a noble calling
To be that who provides and is responsible
On real terms for real people to serve.

That nobility might be slashed from me
By a sword of wanton covetousness
Unbalanced and unsustainable and ironically
Contrary to the balance this new enemy claims to espouse.

Who knew in intolerable satiated greed
You might destroy that which you claim to need
To render helpless that you feel necessitates your very existence
What then will you do?