October 11, 2016

Bound

There, is this place
Wrapped in ornate card
A thin piece of leather
The remains of a spirit sacrificed
To seal this journal
With the pages stories
Strung together
In layers of truth
And lies
And misconceptions
With love
And heart break
My children are all within
The ones I grew with
Battled and defended
Profound the dangers
We prevailed to slay or allay
The haunting of lineage
My children grown from the uncertainty
My doubts never of them
To blossom their stories
And my children mine
The blessing beyond reproach
All love and support
For me and beyond
My truths hidden from you
A shield protection
To bring you forward
With lineage blessings
God’s gift for me, for you, for your mother
Shared and unshared
Supported as best I can
Where some say selfishly
To fill the emptiness within
With children from my day
Those who know me and quietly understand
Who will love me and will stand with me to fight the ghosts
That will close my pages
Bound I am
To you all
This tome of tales
Romances, comedies
Love stories, and tragedies
They stand the test
While these pages continue their long purposed turn
I will stand for just
I will live for pure
I am here
Your brother
Your father
All this love

ache

it niggles at me constantly
sometimes great sometimes small
how oh how did I get it so wrong
that anyone could stoop so low
so to threaten their own
to derive failure over another.

yet will you ever be satisfied
never says I
the hunger and thirst to get even
compels your very existence
at the detriment of all others
and then you wonder where the love went

I watch from afar trapped
my very blood waning while I remain
a helpless now hapless soul
confirmed in your very actions
the type of person you truly are
I know then my steps were correct

he may perish and never again will I see him
penalised by deception and greed
wronged by hatred left so long gone
I ache for you cause I was so wrong
were you not a good person at one time
where did that person go?

July 18, 2016

The Dud

To have bombed
And not connected
No failure of launch
The failsafe switches
An immediate
Safe turn to off
To code them on again
Requires two keys
Impassive peace reins then
A truce beholden
The blue aftermath
A first response
Classically conditioned
Learned and placated
The dud turns within
Sensitive the role
Perspicacity the valour side of better

May 22, 2016

Di

Di

Double take again, dis

Lessened of course to an insult

With added function

Eliding to discourse untended

If intended then disturbed

Is that multiplicity of incensed

thought -

you understood the collective figurative

triangulated n=1 though there is no won

equals more

as do other geometries

this simple slight

of(f) hand

adds to the dimensional focus

albeit latitudinal it may go in every direction

sort of(f) course

your approach a disciplined reproach

designed to cause me to die

right away 

if possible but there’s added disturbance

this truth 

the distance much greater

than geographical discoursed

the life force that moves me

is also the one that will pull

this ethereal body from the precipice black pull

of vengeful tactic of damning abnormality

to factual normality 

this joy

di-folddis fold?

nay 501 and then some

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 03, 2016

Jekyll my Hyde

well then
or not
evidently
how can I put into words
when the words cannot be there
how can I contain the hurt
when to release would expose me
my being my rules
these bind me together
tightly strung
emotionally aware
emotionally bereft
evidently
this mortal coil varies
unique among each of mortality
thwarting connection
by rendering low the being  
well then
no use crying further
to move forward is an imperative
unwrapped and unwound
the wounded left a flower placed
apology does not seem suited
though it is tried
a hollow render of this reflective self
and reasoned excuse an unrepentant loss
yet nevertheless
lost

April 16, 2016

Tired


Been at it so long
So hard. Too hard. 
All that energy. 
Expended
For what
There was effort
I've done my best
And I sure hoped it was enough. 
It wasn't of course
For everyone
They the relentless
Never content. 
Until the tired
Becomes unending sleep
I am tired  
Too tired
For now. 

March 24, 2016

The Liars

You pissed your bed again, god what a tool.
Why didn’t you win that race?
Really, you let your team down by dropping that ball.
A D, you are such a retard.
What do you mean he beat you up, why didn’t you fight back?
Couldn’t you hold it?  You’re on your own with that mess.
I don’t care if you don’t like it you will sit here all fucking night if need be till it is all eaten.
A C, well at least it’s better than a D.
What do you mean you don’t like Church; you will go to hell if you don’t go.
God doesn’t like bad little boys.
So you are sick, I get sick too.  Clean up your own puke.
This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.
It’s just a little blood, and clean my belt.
This is my house, this is my car, I just let you live here.  I’ll smoke if I bloody well want to and you will bloody well breathe it in.
So what if you’re naked.  If I want to come in while you are bloody well bathing I will.
I will touch you if I want, you’re just a kid and what I say you must do.
You are such a retard.
A B, if you had just studied harder you would have got an A.
You are such a weakling, you deserve to be pissed on.
I was such a beauty till you came along.
I make you crazy, you drive me crazy and it’s all your fault.
You are such a weird retard. 
I don’t care if you are hungry.
You don’t have a say here, you are grounded.
No, you cannot date.
Allowance?  Ha, consider yourself lucky I let you live.
Get me another drink.
Get me another drink.
Get me another drink.
Light my fag.
You’re a fucking faggot aren’t you?
I don’t care if you have to work, you need to do the grass.
What do you mean you lost your job.  You are such a retard.
An A, did you cheat?
Honour role? Why didn’t you tell me, I would have come to your graduation.
You are too serious about that girl.
You are too serious.
He touched you, why would you let him do that?  I hope you beat the fucking faggot to a pulp.
You didn’t, you are a faggot yourself then aren’t you.  Let me put this pipe there.  There. There.  There.
I am going to kill you.
I am going to kill you while you sleep.
How come you moved away?  You missed the party we made for you.
God look at you, you are getting fat.
Running is a pointless sport.
Remember that race that year you won the championship, the one where you came last and puked. 
You’re such a tool.
Three of them, that’s all?  I hope you drew blood.
Can’t afford to come? One word: credit card.
What do you mean you can’t get a credit card.  You are obviously irresponsible.
How come you are so skinny?
You are too young to get married.
I am too young to be a grandparent.
Why do you think you need to be at the birth?  I’m paying for this trip.  You don’t love me.
Well I’m sure she is sick because of something you did wrong dear.
Another?  Well don’t expect me to help.
Get a better job.  I don’t want to work anymore.
No, don’t touch me.
I don’t care.
We need more money.
You are never home anymore.
Another?
I don’t care you are in hospital.  It’s late, find your own way home.
Good bye?
You are a fucking cheat.
Another?
You are getting fat.
No, I am not going to see help with you.  You’re the problem not me.
Don’t I’m not interested.
You are such a worthless tool.  I don’t know why the kids even like you.
No
Not interested
It’s my medications.
I just don’t love you anymore.
Go sleep somewhere else.
What do you mean you lost your job.  You are so useless.  Don’t expect me home when you get here.
I need a new car.
Just find a job.
What do you mean less money? Well don’t expect me to make the shortfall.
No.
I don’t care if you lose your job, I am not moving.  Just go get another.
What do you mean less money?
You are too fat to do that.  So you finished, big whoop.
You’re leaving?  And just as I was thinking we might again.
Give me money.
Give me money.
I will when you give me money.
You’re fat.
So you lost your job.  I don’t care.  Give me money.
You know in three years it will be all over again.
Give me money.
Give me your money.
Give me all your money.
And give me all hers too. 
You are a useless tool and I am going to ruin you.

I could just die.  It would be so much easier.
I am so damned depressed.
I am a worthless soul.  I should die.

Not true.  I don’t want to die.
I want to live.
And I shall live.

The lies, the liars, the depressors, the depression.
You do die.

For the sake of truth.